The Secrets of Straight Men
by Alex Prosper
Summary: A comedy about all the things straight men would never allow come to light, enacted by Light Yagami, whose sexuality is put to the test, and L, who thinks all humans are inherently bi and Light should...loosen up. YAOI. L/Light
1. Give a Hand

Disclaimer: Characters and affiliated material belong to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata. I do not own the image. No profit is made off any of this.

Author's note: Some things are taken from bedroom experiences of real people...one of them is actually based on something mom told me of dad, though I won't specify. I'm sure the poor man wants such things to remain top secret. Most straight men would.

The Secrets of Straight Men

Chapter one

After one week working with L, who took his days with leisurely disinterest, chained to him and his unconventional behavior, and not a single lead on the case, Light had gotten little rest and very little relief from daily stress. Which found him one particular night lying awake in the dark; weary yet restless—weary of being restless. His thoughts never ceased, keeping him up until the early hours of morning. L was ruthless. Whether Light was well rested or not was up to him, L woke him at five sharp everyday regardless.

After glancing at the digital clock on his bedside table, Light buried his face into his pillow and let out a muffled growl of anger without much mind to L—the investigator was used to these antics. Light had only two hours of sleep left and his mind made more circles than a dog. After three months of piled up frustration from his almost daily fights with L—he was a healthy, virile young man—he was strung up and ready to snap.

Light did not regularly "help" himself, nor was he an avid fan of sex, as most boys his age were, but in the past he always had girls once in a while for some coital relaxation therapy—usually after an exam he had studied his ass off for.

Perhaps it was because girls had always been easier to pluck than weeds, so Light never been so goddamn hard in his life. The tension from day to day did not help and now that the prospect of release seemed almost forbidden, it had become like a distant dream bestowed only on the brave and fortunate; some far-flung goal. Light's soul itched with the need to grasp it.

Light Yagami just wanted to jack off. Just once.

Perked ears, he tried to listen to the man beside him on the bed. There was the usual soft jingling of the chain, the relentless clacking of a keyboard, the almost inaudible whirring of L's laptop, and L. The man's hands were restless, if not working over the keyboard, eating or playing with his food, they had to be doing something: twirling his hair, jingling the chain, scratching some invisible thing off the soft sheets, biting his nails or picking his nose. Light thought he might be compensating for something: his silence or his social ineptitude, whatever the case, the idiot could not keep his hands or his feet still.

The man never stilled; the man never slept. The case could take months or years, and Light was at his peak. Something needed to touch his dick or he was going to start losing IQ points.

As slowly and imperceptibly as his movements would allow, Light squeezed his unchained hand between his stomach and the mattress, sliding it down into his boxers. He suppressed a deep sigh, biting his pillow, and released shuddering air through his nostrils as his warm palm touched his weeping phallus for the first time in months with an intention that had nothing to do with hygiene.

_Yesss_, that felt nice. Almost like the first time he discovered masturbation at age eleven. It had been so long, his fist was hot. He squeezed gently and pulled as softly as he could, trying not to draw attention.

After a few moments of this, though, it was not enough. He needed more friction; faster movements. He needed to raise his hips or at least hump the mattress in rhythm with his fist. He could not do that unless he wanted to garner the unwanted and extremely awkward attention of the wide-eyed freak beside him. But he could not stop—it was too late to stop.

He sighed into his pillow. He could not even get it done in the shower. He had no privacy. In fact, L watched him more closely in the bathroom than anywhere else; afraid he would do some Kira voodoo and kill in his most private moments. That, and L only gave him five minutes to shower. He was an impatient asshole.

Light rubbed his erection against the plush mattress and his palm, stifling a sigh. At a sudden shift in the mattress, Light jumped, and turned his face to see whether he had attracted L's attention. L was leaning over him, wide eyes gaping, almost lewd in the dim light.

"Shit! Ryuuzaki!"

"Relax," the older man countered. He spoke in his usual bored drawl despite the circumstances. "You look tense, Light."

"Shit. You have any idea how weird this is?" He spoke in hushed tones needlessly. He knew Watari could still hear, if he were spying.

L looked as if he was seriously contemplating his rhetorical question, then gave him a curt nod. "Yes, I do. But would you rather spend the rest of the night with a boner or do you want to get this over with? Actually I'm suffering as much as you are. I thought you'd get angry if I did anything, and our situation is awkward and annoying enough as it is."

"That was uncharacteristically considerate of you."

"No, Light, that was most characteristically considerate of myself. I'd like to keep my balls. However now that I see we are in the same predicament, I think you should agree that the best option here is to give each other...a hand."

Light turned around and squinted in the dim, pale light to study L's face. The man sported a mischievous little quirk of the lips, thumb coyly resting between his lips. Light knew the look—the look L made when he knew he was manipulating Light into something.

"You want us to exchange handjobs?"

"That sums it up."

Light sat up, knees upright, frowning with uncertainty, as L continued, "The only other option is Misa. I don't mind. Of course, I will be watching—you know the drill."

"No. I said I wasn't interested in Misa and I'm not going to use her. I'm sure you'd have no such scruples."

"Would scruples help me catch Kira?"

"And less with you watching," Light added, ignoring L's comment.

"Does the idea of me watching you orgasm displease you?"

Light turned his head away from the man, feeling his face heat up like a furnace. "Will you stop talking as if we're discussing the weather!"

"Why should I? Whatever misguided sense of propriety or ego you harbor is of no consequence to me."

Light heard the man give a bored sigh and almost shot off the bed when he felt cold hands push his knees down.

"Relax, Light," L said.

Every nerve in his body shouted to stop L from going further, but he knew he would not be able to touch himself knowing L was lying in bed right next to him, aware and most certainly watching. Being a genius with the highest test scores in his country, however, he knew he would find the prospect of getting a handjob from L more insane only after he got it. But, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

He let L's hands work on him while he undid the older man's jeans. A swollen, pale member bobbed out and nodded at him with an impressive width and length.

_Wow...I mean, ugh..._.

Straight men gave each other handjobs simultaneously because in their pleasure-induced haze they could not care less what their hand was doing, or what hand was doing them. Being alert and unsatisfied while the other guy panted and squirmed under his fingers would be awkward and gay. In any case, someone else's hand was better than his own, and L's lack of shame felt great. The man wrapped his fist around Light without hesitation. It was better than a girl's soft, timid grip, but he refused to think it was better because that would be the first step towards straying.

L had big hands; long, deft fingers, thick, square palm. Light panted, had to focus to control his voice. He had practice; all those preteenage years of masturbating in a full house.

It was not like Light had never wanked off in front of other guys before. His first handjob had been from a boy, during a sleepover at a friend's house when he was twelve. His fearless host, agog with a porn magazine pilfered from his older brother, had done it without scruples in front of Light, flipping page after page with some female getting banged or eaten out as he beat himself.

Being so young, the novelty of seeing the first person in his life get off had been a prompt encourager, and both of them had ended up giving each other handjobs. Because someone else's hand definitely felt worlds better. They were not gay, but that was what guys did sometimes: they helped each other out.

Unfortunately, the sole purpose of L's existence was to contradict everything Light believed, so the degenerate sneaked a finger into his slack, panting mouth. Light slapped L's hand away, eyes shooting up to glare up at the man.

"Handjobs are fine, but no gay shit, Ryuuzaki."

"So sorry, Light. For a moment I forgot it was you. You have such a girly face."

The thumb rubbing his leaking slit cut Light's retort into a soft moan.

"Enjoying yourself?"

"Stop talking."

"Well I should be entitled to protest my own lack of enjoyment. You appreciate my hand far too much to focus on yours."

Flushed scarlet, Light tightened his slack grip on L's manhood and sped his movements. It was not like him to lose focus even during sexual stimulation, but L's hand was deft and squeezed the perfect amount of pleasure.

Light felt L shift. Glancing up he saw the man had knelt over him with knees on either side of Light's legs. Light was about to ask what he was doing, but then felt another hand massaging his sack and his words dispersed from his open mouth into an "Ohh..."

L suddenly came silently into his hand, his soft gasps coming quick and irregular.

Light felt his own orgasm building up when he a cold fingertip nudged tentatively against his asshole, which caused him to shoot his load hard and without warning. His controlled gasps turned into soft whines and he had to shut his mouth to keep them from getting louder. Muffled moans still escaped, damn them, but he was riding his orgasm too giddily to focus on his voice. It had been a while, he had been strung tight like a bow, so he forgave himself this time.

Light sagged back against his pillow, sated and relaxed.

"See, that wasn't so bad," said L.

"I guess—" Eyes shooting open, Light sat up and kneed L off him. The investigator rolled back over to his side with a grunt.

"You bastard! You stupid bastard!"

"What? You consented - fully conscious." L's expression looked more like he played the part of being confused rather than being genuinely confused.

"Not that, you snake. This," Light exclaimed jabbing his finger towards L and wiggled it. "What was that?"

"What was what?"

"Don't play stupid, your finger." He could not bring himself to get too explicit; it was too humiliating. "We agreed to nothing gay."

"Technically, we didn't agree to anything. You simply told me not to do any 'gay shit'. I never agreed, nor is fingering technically 'gay'. Women do it to men all the time. In any case, you were taking long and I was impatient. The walls of the rectum are quite erogenous."

It did get Light to cum, hard and fast, but he refused to think like that. Deny, deny, deny, his homo-free brain protested against the corrupted dictatorship of his glutted body.

'Besides," L continued, "I didn't stick it in..."

Light did the only thing a proper straight man would do. He punched L in the face.

TBC ;)


	2. Stuff of Dreams

The Secrets of Straight Men

Chapter two

Since Matsuda was late for work he was the last to ask, "What happened to Ryuuzaki's nose?"

L was angry. He sat on his chair unusually still and taciturn before the big screen. While his wide eyes were always dull with insomnia, they normally contained depth. Now there was only a slight narrowing of the eyelids, in an expression of dark irony, over his heavily bandaged nose, purple and swollen underneath. This was evidenced by the terse answers he gave everyone, his peculiar brand of subtle sarcasm completely abandoned.

Such as what he said to Matsuda, "Fell off the bed. Get to work."

"Hell, Ryuuzaki, you sound really nasally. Maybe you should get that checked?"

L merely stared at the young detective with a dull expression that clearly said, _piss off_.

"Get to work," Soichiro commanded with a warning look.

L had certainly fell off the bed after Light knocked him off his ass. He had hit the investigator harder than intended, but that was likely due to his indignant rage. The bastard almost fingered him! Light mentally shook his head from the thought.

Like the spoiled, willful jerk he was, L huffily stood from his chair and pulled at the chain between him and Light to signal the teenager to follow, as if he were a dog on a leash. The man was far too accustomed to power; to being on top of everyone and everything. He had a single-minded need to be correct and undisputed. Therefore everything Kira-related, specifically the clarity of Light's innocence, made him moody and lazy to begin with.

Still, Light was surprised L had not hit back. Perhaps the investigator truly felt he was in the wrong, which would explain why he was in an insolent mood that morning—more than usual.

L leaped onto their bed and sat down. Light stood there, wondering what the man was up to, when L said, "You need sleep, right? Take this opportunity, Light, because you won't get another."

Light could not hold back a chuckle, which caused L to shoot him with his specialized dull "piss-off" stare.

"Something funny, Light?"

"Yeah. Guess even you have to express anger sometimes."

"Watari says that's a good thing. And more than once you've made me angry, Light."

"I don't see why. I told you not to do anything gay and you still went against my wishes," he countered before crawling across the bed to his side.

"Fingering isn't 'gay' as you so ignorantly put it, nor is it a sign of weakness and lack of masculinity as indubitably your guilt-conditioned view of sex makes you believe. Women do it to men all the time – those who have genuinely shed religion's iron grip on their minds. It's simply another form of stimulation. Christianity, Islam, and their sire, Judaism were religions of people on survival mode more than two thousand years ago and so they condemned homosexuality, and anything that might encourage it, in order to spread their population as widely as possible and impose their beliefs on peaceful, unsuspecting pagan tribes – who had no issues with bisexuality which was the norm prior to the Church's invasion – I bet they skipped that part in school. Today, human population far exceeds Earth's carrying capacity, in fact becoming a burden on global economy, yet their traditional paradigm is so complete that even those who claim to be atheists are still molded from the moment they leave the womb by a society deeply rooted in Christian dogma. I thought you knew better, Light, but perhaps a genius boy needs more than the education text books provide to be wiser than most. Your knowledge is vast and your youth makes you sensitive to it, so you haven't a clue on how to think through it clearly and objectively."

Light was stunned into silence. The man had moments were he talked and talked, and Light would simply shrug it off, thinking L simply liked to hear himself talk. Never had the investigator spoken so seriously about something other than the case. It dawned on Light that L was angrier than he thought.

If Light had a broken nose, he would be all huffy too.

Despite L's words, Light knew he could not shed the thought that letting anything penetrate him was womanish. Whether he was correct or not in his feelings did not matter. Those feelings, as L suggested, were deeply rooted by a dominantly traditional society, and whether he was traditional or not did little to fight off such powerful influence.

"Look, I'm sorry for punching you, Ryuuzaki."

"You're not sorry, Light. But next time I will respond."

"Why didn't you this time?"

"Buttocks were in pain."

Light thought it served him right. He fell back on the pillow and caught up on sleep.

Light dreamed. He would not know it until he woke up, but in his dream he was trying to find a private place to masturbate. He felt desperate. Every room had wide windows looking out onto the wide windows of other buildings with plenty of people in them. Eventually, he went inside a narrow, windowless bathroom. He stepped under the curtain-less shower, but had barely touched himself when the door was flung open and in stepped his father and Sayu. What they were doing chatting in a bathroom was irrelevant in his dream, he only cared that he was embarrassingly naked with his dick in his hand when they came in. Light took off again, running from room to room enclosed completely by clear windows, until he entered one with plain walls. L was there, lying on a bed.

As if they had been lovers for years, Light felt relieved and rushed to straddle the older man. He sighed contently at the delicious feel of a warm human body pressed tight beneath him. His dick pressed firmly on the man's abdomen, while L's own erection pressed against his ass. It made Light crazy for more. In the back of his mind Light knew he should not be doing this; it was not like him. But the only thing his dream-self was consciously aware of was that he wanted sex with the man lying underneath his thighs. The knowledge that L was a homicide investigator, and he, the prime suspect, was just another irrelevant detail.

"You don't find this gay," L asked.

"I don't care," Light answered, his voice breathy and sultry, strange to his own ears, but arousing.

He was flipped over and rolled onto his stomach. Knowing what was coming, he spread his legs wider and jutted his hips upward. A thin, sinewy arm wrapped around his waist, forearm pressed tightly against his stomach to hold him steady. Instantly he felt L's hard phallus slowly press itself into his orifice. Light moaned without reservations. Yet, no matter how hard they fucked, the pressure inside him was not hard enough to make him feel full. Light came even so, dick pressed against the mattress.

Light awoke humping the mattress, now sticky and wet against his stomach. The dream slowly faded and Light realized what his dream self had done. His treacherous penis twitched one last time as if taunting him.

_What the hell was that?!_

Light had never felt so disgusted with himself. Even though it had been a dream, the dick pumping into his ass felt real enough. He knew that in reality it would not have felt that good with no preparation, especially on the first try. And he most certainly knew that he would never jump on L the minute he walked into a room with the man lying on a bed.

Thoroughly debased and grounded from his lofty cloud of superiority, in which he had once looked down on the habits and desires of pathetically carnal creatures, he was not prepared to hear L's voice say, "Had a nice dream?"

Light tried to scramble quickly out of bed, ignoring his soiled T-shirt. Still in a dreamy haze he forgot he was connected to the other man's wrist by a chain and, losing his balance, toppled over the edge unto the floor. He landed on his ass, which he noted had no remnant feeling of being invaded by his mind's conjurations.

"This is embarrassing."

"Don't beat yourself up, Light," L said, looking down at him from his crouched position on the edge of the bed. "You're only human. If it makes you feel better, I once had a dream that I was a schoolgirl in uniform trapped inside a high-security prison that looked remarkably like those colorful playgrounds in McDonald's. If you want my opinion, dreams don't mean anything but random bits of information stored in our brain."

Light remained sitting on the floor but rested his back against the side of the bed. He ignored the sudden image of L in a school girl's uniform and muttered, "You're being strangely friendly..." Even as he said it, Light came to realize that L enjoyed watching Light, who he strongly believed to be Kira, fall prey to the same petty carnal desires as any other man, including the most uneducated boor. "You're having fun with this, aren't you?"

"Come now, Light, even gods are known to have gone crazy for sex. Einstein was a philanderer."

"I am not Einstein."

"No, clearly you lack his charm and wit."

Light threw his head back to glare at him. "Do you get off on being offensive?" At the sight of L's trademark cheeky lip quirk, Light added, "Don't answer that."

"Want to do it again?"

The question was so sudden, the voice that said it so low and casual that it took Light a moment to answer. "What?"

"Handjobs, Light. I think you want one. I do."

Light scowled at his knees. "Tsk. We're acting like bloody children."

"We could always fuc-"

"Absolutely not!" He shot his glare up at L. "Bit of a secret potty mouth, aren't you?"

"Everyone curses, Light, just not on the job. I believe this is our second interaction that has nothing to do with the Kira case." When Light continued to stare at him, he added, "Did you think I'm a prim little intellectual like you? I'm a super genius, not a Vulcan."

"Vorucan?"

"You'd be surprised at the amount of words that can be substituted by 'fuck'. It's liberating. And fun to say."

Light straightened with a sigh and banged his head against the edge of the bed in frustration. L was insane.

After a pregnant pause, L's voice made him nearly jump. "Say it."

Frowning, without looking back up, Light asked, "Say what?"

"Fuck."

Light turned his eyes up and pinned them on L's. The man sported his secretive lip-quirk-thing again. With an ironic little smile, Light said, "Fuck...you."

L's lip-quirk morphed into a full-blown smirk. "Gladly."

With that, Light's smile was quickly wiped off his face. "Oh shut up, Ryuuzaki. Let's fuck each other's hands and be done with it!"

TBC


End file.
